There was a time when he can hardly keep his hands away from you, initiating sex at every available opportunity available.
But that was years ago. You can’t exactly remember when his sex drive began waning. Between the kids, your careers, and everything in between, you just realized that your sex life had taken a downturn right before your eyes.
Should you resign yourself to the fate of a sexless marriage, or can you and your husband rekindle the fire in your relationship? A top dating coach for women shares his insights.
Why your husband doesn’t want sex
When your husband doesn’t want to have sex with you, confidence is deflated. In addition, it can leave you questioning yourself and the status of your marriage.
Modern society has promoted the idea that men want sex more than women. And to a certain degree, that is correct. However, couples, especially those in long-term committed relationships, can experience desire discrepancy. Desire discrepancy occurs when one partner wants more sex than the other.
However, a person’s sex drive can fluctuate for a variety of reasons. Even a man’s interest in sex can take a nosedive for a variety of reasons. Here is a brief list of possible reasons why your husband doesn’t want to have sex with you.
Relationship problems
If you and your husband have been having issues in your marriage, it is not reasonable to expect that he’ll sidle up close and initiate sex with you.
When dealing with issues and the associated emotions, intimacy might be the least concern for your husband.
That’s not to say that men can’t and don’t want sex while they are in conflict with their spouses. But as a rule of thumb, sex is off the table in such a situation.
Stress
Maybe your husband has been dealing with a lot of pressure at work. Or perhaps he was laid off from work and can’t find a job. Or he has been struggling with your family debt.
Suffice to say, stress is a lethal mood killer. And your husband might not be intentionally shutting you off. He’s not just interested in sex with stressful things lingering in his head.
Health problems
If your husband is suffering from a condition or taking medications known to affect libido, his interest in sex may go down.
Among the conditions known to adversely affect a man’s sex drive are diabetes and heart disease.
Natural changes
When you were young, you probably had more sex than you can handle, with his sexual interest at an all-time high.
However, it is perfectly natural for one’s interest in sex to drop as one grows older.
For most people, the desire to have sex might not be as high compared to when they were younger. That means that although they won’t initiate sex, they can be coaxed if the conditions are right.
Performance anxiety
Men have been conditioned to perform and satisfy their partners. Some men even judge their worth in their ability in the bedroom.
However, if your husband is dealing with issues like erectile dysfunction, he might succumb to performance anxiety.
And instead of dealing with the situation by talking with you and consulting a health professional, he just dismisses each and every opportunity to have sex with you.
Boredom in the bedroom
As you get to know your partner better inside the bedroom, you develop a routine that helps both of you derive maximum pleasure from sex.
But over time, doing the same things over and over can lead to boredom. In some cases, your husband might have sexual kinks that he’s afraid to divulge.
Instead of acting on these erotic interests and sharing these with you, he might avoid sex with you entirely, resorting to other outlets like porn.
Dealing with your problem
If your husband doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore, it can be fairly easy to succumb to paranoia. You feel undesirable or think that your husband might be cheating.
Before you sink into despair or even confront your husband, here are a few things that you should do first.
Talk to your partner
Simply put, you can’t go around trying to figure out what’s wrong with your husband and his libido. If your partner is going through something stressful, he might have negative emotions, and he’d rather keep these bottled up rather than sharing them with you.
As a partner, you should coax your partner to open up to you. It may take some time before he reveals his reasons. But if you adopt a positive attitude, he’ll eventually discuss with you why he is no longer interested in sex.
Work out your relationship problems
If you have been dealing with marriage issues, your primary goal would be to resolve these.
It can be helpful for both of you to enlist the help of a qualified professional like a marriage counselor.
Mix things up in the bedroom
If boredom is the underlying reason for your lackluster sex life, you might want to spice things up in the bedroom.
Ask your spouse about his fantasies and the things he might want to try. It can be as simple as watching erotic movies together or something more playful, like role-playing and sex toys.
Just remember to keep an open mind if you want to breathe life into your sex life.
It takes two to tango
Desiring physical intimacy is nothing to be ashamed of. Your needs are just as important as your husband’s.
If your husband refuses to resolve his issues outright and he is perfectly fine with the idea of not having sex with you, your best recourse might be to start a life without him.
Part and parcel of being in a marriage is meeting your partner’s needs, including physical and emotional intimacy. Lackluster sex life does not necessarily mean that your marriage is doomed. But your partner’s refusal to resolve your issues is.